I remember the day my friend Kiara(name changed) came back to my home in Mumbai after her first Vipassana experience. She had taken a vow of silence for those ten days and had to adhere to a strict regimen of meditation. Up by 4, she’d go to bed after 9 pm. She had to meditate almost the entire day. Having lost a few kilos, she looked shaken by the experience. Kiara told me that on some days she could not stop crying thinking about many of her past experiences.
This was 13 years ago. Back then, I was 26. I could not comprehend why someone would put themselves through something like that. But she was French. And had always been interested in spirituality and alternate lifestyles. My idea of a silent retreat was a weekend when I’d be too hungover to answer anyone’s calls.
Though I wondered why people went for a course like this, something in me told me that I would go for it too. Someday. And that day was far far away in the future.
Days, Months and Years Followed…
I didn’t hear about Vipassana or couldn’t care less about it. I was living my rather eventful life at a public relations agency. But every now and then I’d talk to someone who had done the same course. I am not sure if it were the people or the challenge of a ten-day silent retreat that started appealing to me.
But I knew I was not ready.
Then I quit my PR career to travel and write. Then I managed operations for a digital content startup. Then I became a freelance content writer and consultant. But still no time for the Vipassana experience. At least that’s what I told myself.
Though deep down I knew I did not have the courage.
In December 2020, we moved to Mysore and have been in the city since. A few months before that, I started The Story Co which is a business storytelling coaching and training firm. I was living the life that I wanted to. Focused on learning every day, disciplined(for the most part) and intentional about every decision I took.
Click here to know more about business storytelling and The StoryCo.
A Book Came Into My Life.
It was in Mysore that I started listening to an audiobook called ‘Vipassana: The Art Of Living’. It was narrated by William Hart. But the audiobook had parts of discourses by Shri S. N. Goenka. He is the one who brought this meditation technique to India from Burma(now Myanmar). The book was enjoyable like many others on the topic of meditation and spirituality.
But one thing stayed with me. In his calm and composed voice, William Hart narrated that all our reactions are first felt as sensations in the body. The mind then reacts to these unpleasant(or pleasant) sensations which give birth to emotions like anger, passion and others.
I decided to put this to the test. For a few days, I started trying to spot if I could feel any sensations on the body when I got angry, anxious or joyous. To my surprise, I could feel a sensation on my feet when I’d get angry. Not just that, the ability to identify took the sting out of my anger.
And that’s when I knew it was time for me to enter the world of Vipassana.
The Day I Applied For My First Course.
It took me a few months to actually apply for a Vipassana course. I remember the moment when I searched for courses. There were spots available at the Dhamma Arunachala in Tiruvannamalai in Tamil Nadu.
It was October 2021 and the course would start on 15th December 2021. I asked myself, “What the hell are you waiting for?”
I walked to my wife and then to my mom to tell them that it was time for me to experience Vipassana . Both of them asked me to go ahead. But I am sure they did not give it too much thought.
It was while having lunch at Nagarjuna’s restaurant in Bengaluru that I received an email. It mentioned that my application was accepted.
I was excited. I was nervous. I was happy.
Day 0:
The days leading up to the course were unusually busy for me. After facilitating the most important business storytelling workshop of the year for a leading corporate in Mumbai, I headed back to Mysore. In less than 48 hours I was on the overnight Kaveri Express train to Chennai. My stop was Katpadi from where I took a two-hour bus ride to Tiruvannamalai.
At 10.30 am I was surrounded by the greenery and the earth-coloured walls of Dhamma Arunachala.
The lunch was delicious, though vegetarian and completely organic. The vegetables were fresh and there was no spice(something I am guilty of ODing on). By 3 pm, most of my coursemates had arrived. We all chatted. The vibe was positive.
Someone who was doing the course for the second time said you get used to the course in a few days. Around 4 pm, we had to deposit all our valuables and mobile phones into a locker.
At 6 pm, we met our teacher and the course started. We took a vow of silence among other things(like not stealing, not killing, no sexual misconduct and no intoxication).
That night it sunk in that these were going to be the best or the worst ten days of my life.
Day 1:
The bell rang at 4. At 4.30 am, we were in the Dhamma hall. We meditated till 6.30.
The breakfast was great. Then meditation. Then lunch at 11. Meditation again at 1. Tea and snacks were served at 5. Meditation again at 6 pm.
7 pm Goenkaji’s discourse started. He spoke about Ana Pana meditation where you focus on your breath. 90 mins later, we had to meditate again. It was 9 pm by the time we were done.
Day 2:
The exact repeat of day one except the evening discourse prepared us for Vipassana. As opposed to focusing on the breath, in Vipassana, you focus on the sensations you feel on your body from head to toe.
The idea is that everything in this world including our bodies are made of vibrations. Everything is constantly changing and we need to understand that to dissolve from the idea of ‘I’, etc.
To be honest, I could barely manage to stay awake the first two days. Our teacher asked me to rest my body some more. He also said that if I was still feeling sleepy after that, then I’d have to fight drowsiness.
The first two days were a blur and I wondered if the next eight would pass the same way.
Day 3:
Things changed on this day(though the schedule did not). The second half was introduction to the Vipassana technique. It was immensely difficult and I was sure I’d never get it. That woke me up from my slumber.
If that wasn’t enough, in the last session we were asked to sit in Adhitthanna. It simply means the sitting of strong determination. It sounds simple. But have you ever tried sitting with your legs folded for an hour? Without moving? While meditating at the same time?
I almost cried.
But in his discourse Goenkaji mentioned that we increase pain by adding aversion to it. The half an hour after his discourse, the same Adhitthanna felt much easier(not easy, but easier). And I went to bed that night thinking this.
“This is it. I know Vipassana. The next seven days will be a breeze.”
Day 4:
HOW. WRONG. WAS. I.
The Vipassana meditation got tougher. I won’t explain in detail. But it’s like you are just about getting a hang of pedalling on a bicycle. And just then you are asked to use gears and shift them as well.
On this day, my worries started making a regular appearance. We were meant to meditate. But how could you when you are worried about client projects, payments and that $&*hole who insulted you in college!
I looked around. Everyone seemed to be meditating at peace. I realised I was the worst sinner, at least in the group.
Day 5:
I thought getting through this day would mean, half the course would be over. After that it would get easy, wouldn’t it?
The silence. The hours of meditation. They kept on coming. I needed to get my brain occupied with something constructive.
That night I decided to dedicate free time and some meditation time to think about some projects. You know, regular stuff like family, future, business, etc.
Day 6:
By the end of this day, I realised I was taking a few steps back. Meditation was getting difficult instead of getting easy.
My sleep cycle had gone for a toss. I was sleeping in the afternoon after lunch for 90 minutes and I could not find sleep till 2 am in the night.
This night I also started hearing weird noises from our block. I do not know if I imagined them or if they were real. I could hear someone snoring or clearing his throat. But multiply that sound by 100 times over. I knew that the long afternoon nap was not helping. It was coming in the way of a good night’s sleep.
Day 7:
The fact that we could not exercise didn’t help either. All we could do was take long walks around the campus. It was good and rejuvenating, but not enough exercise.
I was thinking just three more days. My battle with sleep continued. What was meant to be easy the last three-four days actually turned out to be tough. Meditation is hard work. Concentrating for long hours is anything but easy. Add to that Adhithanna, and I felt this course would go on forever.
Day 8:
I realised that my idea to keep my mind occupied with projects was a bad one. I was meant to surrender and make the most of the opportunity presented to me to learn Vipassana. By now, I had had a few hours of genuine peace and calm. I knew I had to work harder.
That afternoon, one of my course-mates stopped me while I was entering my room. He asked me, ”Bro, do you have moisturiser?” Trust me, it took me a good 60 seconds to understand what the word ‘moisturiser’ meant. It was probably the effect of staying silent all those days.
But the incident made me smile. And it still does.
Day 9:
I tried my best. The meditation was tough. So was the focus. But I knew I didn’t want to leave the course with a feeling that I hadn’t tried my best to learn.
So I decided to meditate with all my ability and not think about what was waiting for me outside. But the thing about meditation is that it doesn’t work if you try harder. You need to be aware and equanimous as Goenkaji says. And that’s an immensely difficult state to be in.
Day 10:
Only half the day was serious meditation. Even Goenkaji says that. But I tried my best.
Second half we were free to talk. All of us chatted like we never had before. It was a bitter-sweet feeling to talk again.
To be honest, the silence had taught me more about myself than any conversation or enquiry ever had. But it was nice to share our experiences with each other and get ready to get back to our lives.
There was a packet of Good Day biscuits that had stayed in my bag without me realising. I had looked at it every night and imagined relishing it on the tenth night. Which I did along with fellow students.
Day 11:
The course ended this morning. There was some meditation and a short discourse by Goenkaji.
While it may not feel important, to me the messages in this talk mattered the most. Ana Pana and Vipassana are techniques. You can learn them, but they are of no use if you do not practice them every day.
Goenkaji’s message was clear. You have to meditate every day. One hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. And even on this path of liberation one has to keep walking. Having walked it or wanting to walk on it does not help.
We all had a delicious breakfast, cleaned the rooms that we had lived in. We also washed the blankets and pillow covers that we had used. It was 8 am by then.
What I found interesting was how fast everyone rushed back home. And in no time, the centre was empty. Talk about change being the only constant.
The Real Deal – After The Course:
I see the benefits of Vipassana every day. I even see benefits immediately after I meditate. Over a long period, this practice will unlock even more benefits. I surely feel calmer and more focused.
The practice is so helpful that I am encouraging my family members to take the course as well.
Rather than thinking of the course as something you need to survive, it is better to approach it as a life-learning retreat.
But in my opinion, the most important step happens after the course. Without making time for daily practice, Vipassana may just end up being a bravado in your life’s story and not a whole lot more.
I waited 13 years to have the courage to take a Vipassana course. While I know that’s how it was meant to be, if I could turn back time I would take a course immediately after Kiara introduced the idea to me. Vipassana may mean many things to many people, but to me, it is the school of life.
If you ask me whether one should take a Vipassana course or not, I would reply with a question. And that is, “When are you getting started?”
Thanks for reading. If you have any questions about applying for a Vipassana course or its prep, feel free to ask me on Linkedin, Twitter or drop a comment here.
